Bud: It's about time we did something about immigration. The southwest belongs to retired art teachers and meth lab entrepreneurs.
Bud: Dammit, Sanford. If you're gonna live under my roof at age 24, don't leave your car in the driveway!
[Bud hands Sanford a toy car]
Sanford: You found it!
Janice: Oh, your father's just upset because a lot of our immigrant neighbors are doing better than us. He told me so in private. I didn't wanna say anything, but my lips just started moving and I couldn't seem to stop them. See, they're still going now.
Bud: We ain't rednecks. Would rednecks have a 5 year old beauty pageant star? Show 'em, Gert.
Gert: [to Sparkles] You ready sparkles? [singing] I'm beautiful and famous and 'yall know what my name is.
Bud: [to Gert] One day, you're gonna be on the cover of the internet.
J.C.: Becky, will you marry me?
Becky: Oh my God, J.C.! Yes! Yes I WIIIIIIIIIIILL!
[J.C. and Becky make out]
J.C.: I've never been so happy to be hetero-normative.
Pepito: [to Bud] Mommy says if I'm good, she'll take me to your funeral someday.
Ernesto: J.C., I think it's great, you and Becky are getting married, but you'll have a wife to support. Any leads on a job?
J.C.: How can I get a job, when monsters are trying to pass this immigration law?
Ernesto: [sarcastic] You're right. That's unfair of me. You should wait until all the problems of the world are solved.
J.C.: Thank you. That's all I'm asking.
[Bud grabs Sanford's ass]
Sanford: Hands off! I'm not some Hooters waitress, trying to walk to her car.
Bud: [to J.C.] You was in college? Let me guess, Brown?
[Sparkles does a rim-shot]
Bud: Pig gets it.
[Bud and J.C. are in a heated argument]
Becky: Somebody, change the subject!
Janice: Uh, ... did you hear J.C. and Becky are getting married?
[Bud's head explodes]
Bryce: Hey, I heard your head exploded.
Bud: Nah, that was just a joke.
[Becky opens the door, to see Daryll Muncie dressed in a tuxedo]
Becky: [sigh] Hi, Daryll.
Daryll: Hi, Becky! I got you something!
[Daryll holds out a baby doll]
Becky: Oh, a doll. How sweet.
Daryll: That's my little brother. He didn't make it.
Gert: Mom, dad, will one of you read me a bedtime tabloid?
Janice: Sure, Gert.
[Gert gets on the bed with Janice and Janice reads from a magazine]
Janice: One day, Zack Galifanakis went to the beach without a beach body ...
Bud: I'm here to tell Becky, I'm okay with her marrying J.C. and maybe one day giving me half Mexican grand kids. OH MY GOD, THAT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME UNTIL THIS MOMENT!
Becky: I want you to put a baby in me, so I can fight for the right to legally abort it.
[Bud goes to Mexico]
Bud: God, these people have no idea what it's like to have foreigners ruin their country.
[A bunch of drunk American college kids are partying at the sombrero store]
College Kid: Woo hoo! Spring break! [vomits into a sombrero] I'm not paying for that.
Ernesto: Hola, Steve. Como estas?
Steve: I speak English, Mr. Gonzalez. I'm an American.
Ernesto: How are the parents? Francisco and Consuelo?
Steve: [angered] Frank and Connie are fine!
Ernesto: Well, we did it. It's good to be back in our Bordertown.