Gert: Is Sanford coming to church?
Janice: Yes he is. Let's go, Sanford.
Sanford: Ugh, why do I gotta go to church? I don't wanna be born again. The first time was gross enough. [finds a meatball under the table] Ooh, meatball!

[Ernesto looks at himself in the mirror]
Ernesto: What would Jesus do? Ernesto.

Ernesto: Hola, Bud. Happy Sunday. Wow, nice jacket.
Bud: It's for being an usher. The most important job in the church. If there had been an usher at the last supper, Jewish would not have been given a seat.
J.C.: I think his name was "Judas".
Bud: Yeah, that's what I said. "Judish", and in the "Judes", the people that killed Jesus. They named their religion after him, "Judasism". It's a well-known hysterical fact.

[Ernesto looks over his landscaping work]
Ernesto: God, you made the earth, but I make the earth look good.

Janice: Oh, I can't believe I married an usher.
Bud: You're the prettiest usher's wife.
Janice: [to another woman] You hear that, you cow!?

Bud: If Reverend Fantastic is such a bad guy, then how come he's always giving cops money?

[Bud walks up to a woman, breastfeeding her baby]
Bud: You know, if you'd like some privacy, we have a special place to make you feel more comfortable.
[Cut to the back alley of the MegaChurch; Bud throws the woman outside]
Bud: It's called "your house!"

[Bud sees The Devil]
Bud: Hey! It's the guy who gives me an erection, whenever I see a hot man!

Reverend Fantastic: Good morning, fine people of Mexifornia. Let us begin today's worship with the word of Gid.
Assistant: "God", sir.
Reverend Fantastic: God, right.

Church Worker: Have you heard the expression, "You can't take blood from a stone?"
Reverend Fantastic: Not if it's from the bible.

Bud: Ernesto, are you looking for salvation, redemption, and compassion?
Ernesto: My cousins? No, they're in the kitchen.

Ernesto: Hola, Becky. What's wrong? Did you just find out J.C. was molested?
Becky: You knew?
Ernesto: No, I just guessed by your facial expression.
Sanford: Hey, Ernesto.
Ernesto: Hola, Sanford. What's wrong? Did you just eat a bad cheeseburger out of the garbage?
Sanford: Yeah, I did!
Ernesto: Ha ha ha! I am on fire today!

Bud: [to Pepito] Don't you have a gang to join?

Becky: I know how hurtful it can be to be bullied. People call us fat, gay, ugly, so I wrote a three verse song for us to sing. Fat kids start. Kevin, you can sing the fat and gay verses. You know what? Since ugly too.

J.C.: Your prophet-minded church is trying to capitalize on the growing Mexican population. It's called "Hispanering".

Gert: My daddy don't need no church. My friend, Gwendolyn's dad don't go to church and he's always giving her fist-kisses on her cheek bones.
Bud: Thanks, my little angel. You are by far, the best thing my semen has turned into.

Ernesto: Bud's skipping church? Now I've seen everything. Heh, except a dog driving a car.
Sanford: There it is!
[A dog drives by in a car, and Ernesto misses it]
Ernesto: Darnit! I missed it again! Ah, well, next time for sure.

Bud: The Pope's Mexican, right? You guys all know each other. Can't you just call him up and tell him to fix this?
Ernesto: Bud, first of all, The Pope isn't Mexican, he's Argentinean, but yes, I do know him. We play soccer together.

[The Pope accidentally runs over a Rabbi in the Popemobile]
The Pope: Oh, man. This is going to be a thing.

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