Bud: It's for being an usher. The most important job in the church. If there had been an usher at the last supper, Jewish would not have been given a seat.
J.C.: I think his name was "Judas".
Bud: Yeah, that's what I said. "Judish", and in the "Judes", the people that killed Jesus. They named their religion after him, "Judasism". It's a well-known hysterical fact.
[Ernesto looks over his landscaping work]
Ernesto: God, you made the earth, but I make the earth look good.
Janice: Oh, I can't believe I married an usher.
Bud: You're the prettiest usher's wife.
Janice: [to another woman] You hear that, you cow!?
Bud: If Reverend Fantastic is such a bad guy, then how come he's always giving cops money?
[Bud walks up to a woman, breastfeeding her baby]
Bud: You know, if you'd like some privacy, we have a special place to make you feel more comfortable.
[Cut to the back alley of the MegaChurch; Bud throws the woman outside]
Bud: It's called "your house!"
[Bud sees The Devil]
Bud: Hey! It's the guy who gives me an erection, whenever I see a hot man!
Reverend Fantastic: Good morning, fine people of Mexifornia. Let us begin today's worship with the word of Gid.
Assistant: "God", sir.
Reverend Fantastic: God, right.
Church Worker: Have you heard the expression, "You can't take blood from a stone?"
Reverend Fantastic: Not if it's from the bible.
Bud: Ernesto, are you looking for salvation, redemption, and compassion?
Ernesto: My cousins? No, they're in the kitchen.
Ernesto: Hola, Becky. What's wrong? Did you just find out J.C. was molested?
Becky: You knew?
Ernesto: No, I just guessed by your facial expression.
Sanford: Hey, Ernesto.
Ernesto: Hola, Sanford. What's wrong? Did you just eat a bad cheeseburger out of the garbage?
Sanford: Yeah, I did!
Ernesto: Ha ha ha! I am on fire today!
Bud: [to Pepito] Don't you have a gang to join?
Becky: I know how hurtful it can be to be bullied. People call us fat, gay, ugly, so I wrote a three verse song for us to sing. Fat kids start. Kevin, you can sing the fat and gay verses. You know what? Since ugly too.
J.C.: Your prophet-minded church is trying to capitalize on the growing Mexican population. It's called "Hispanering".
Gert: My daddy don't need no church. My friend, Gwendolyn's dad don't go to church and he's always giving her fist-kisses on her cheek bones.
Bud: Thanks, my little angel. You are by far, the best thing my semen has turned into.
Ernesto: Bud's skipping church? Now I've seen everything. Heh, except a dog driving a car.
Sanford: There it is!
[A dog drives by in a car, and Ernesto misses it]
Ernesto: Darnit! I missed it again! Ah, well, next time for sure.
Bud: The Pope's Mexican, right? You guys all know each other. Can't you just call him up and tell him to fix this?
Ernesto: Bud, first of all, The Pope isn't Mexican, he's Argentinean, but yes, I do know him. We play soccer together.
[The Pope accidentally runs over a Rabbi in the Popemobile]